I was really hoping someone would bust out with, say, "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" on country week, but apparently the key to success lies with rehashing the same old country we always hear on American Idol.

Heartfelt Ballads

I wanted Kris to do something funky and alt-country with the guitar, but he came up with this very nice vocal instead. The very last note of "To Make You Feel My Love" was a bit wobbly, and there was zero mention of Bob Dylan, but I still love him.

I desperately had wanted Anoop to let loose with something like "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," but he had to redeem himself after last week with a straight vocal. And he was pretty damn awesome -- his "Always on My Mind" was the first performance of the season that I would download.

Alexis does kind of look like Dolly Parton! Especially when she is dressed up like an aging ho-bag. If I were Jolene, I would totally take her man. Just because I can, bitch. Hey, she failed to convince me not to.

Carrie Underwood Songs (and coincidentally also Heartfelt Ballads)

Danny sounded like crap on the verses but great on the chorus of "Jesus Take The Wheel." And you know his wife is dead because she never would have let him wear that jacket. (I totally said both these things before the judges did!) He, too, could have totally done something fun but chose to sing about Jesus instead. If he wins, and releases a lame Christian album, I will be upset.

I was counting on Matt G. for some duel-worthy honky tonk piano, but instead I got some Carrie Underwood song I don't really know. I guess this is a singing competition, and he did sing (and play) it well.

Martina McBride Songs That Suck

Scott sounds good! He's a great piano player! But he always picks crap-ass Inspirational Blind Guy Songs. Why not Toby Keith's "Who's Your Daddy?" That would have been awesome. Instead we got, well, this.

Lil was in the wrong key with the wrong song and it showed. I'm not so into her so I didn't feel too bad about her sucking.

Other songs

It's not American Idol country week without "Ain't Goin' Down Til the Sun Comes Up!" Sadly, Mike mumbled the words and had none of the energy necessary to sing the song. The jaw is truly frightening.

If the hula girl figurine on my dashboard were to come to life and sing "Walkin' After Midnight," I imagine it would be much like Megan's performance, right down to the part where I go "Exactly what the fuck is happening here?"

OK, Adam Lambert. Was his take on "Ring of Fire" awesome, or a huge trainwreck? I can't decide. Either way, at least it was very Adam.

Allison was good. Like Lil, she kind of only has "loud" and "louder," but she's cute, and fun to watch, and I still like her hair. And at least she sang a real country song that was popular in the last five years and not sung by Carrie Underwood or Martina McBride.

Rejected? Oh please God please God Michael.

The first ever top 13

Wow

Kris on "Remember the Time" -- Kris is the only contestant who doesn't have a gimmick, other than being a cutie and a half. He made the song sound contemporary and looked like he was having a great time on stage with the guitar. He's my dark horse candidate to win it all.

Adam on "Black or White" -- Totally badass, totally now, totally awesome. I love him. I can't believe he needs this show.

Matt G on "Human Nature" -- Love the piano playing. The Justin Timberlake vibe updated the song nicely, and it was perfect for his voice.

Pretty Good

Lil on "The Way You Make Me Feel" -- Solid performance, although she only has two volume levels, loud and louder, and those pants were so not flattering. There wasn't anything special until the very last note.

Danny on "PYT" -- I leave him out of the top category simply because "PYT" is such a product of the '80's that it can't be updated for a contemporary audience. You won't ever hear a remake of that song on the radio. I was sure Simon was going to break out the "wedding singer" or "drunk uncle" comment on this one, based on the song choice and the dancing.

Amateur

Jasmine on "I'll Be There" -- The song choice seemed both obvious and a little old-fashioned. I thought her singing was only OK, but she's cute as a button and can command a stage.

WTF Was That Song Again?

Scott on "Keep the Faith" -- Scott sounds much better with the piano. But just because you've been cast as Season 8's Inspirational Obstacle-Overcoming Blind Guy does not mean you need to pick crap-ass songs with the word "self-esteem" in the lyrics. (Was this seriously the best-selling record in Norwegian history?) Show a little personality, Scott.

Mike on "You Are Not Alone" -- He is likeable and has a good tone to his voice. But the faces. Oh, Lord, the faces. He moves his jaw like Guy Smiley. I cannot watch him another minute.

Allison on "Give In To Me" -- I don't know this song and I didn't understand a word she sang, but shit, that girl can yell. She's one to watch. I like her hair.

Please Mighty Mouse Pull Me Off These Train Tracks Before Something Terrible Happens

Anoop on "Beat It" -- 'Noop Dogg thought about his song choice for about three nanoseconds before settling on this totally predictable number. I like him, I really do, but this performance was bad, drunk karaoke.

Jorge on "Never Can Say Goodbye" -- I feel bad for Jorge, because I certainly can't think of a Michael Jackson song that would fit his voice either. Yeeeeeowtch.

Megan on "Rockin' Robin" -- What exactly is it that the judges like about her? They go on about how "cool" and "quirky" she is, because she has a tattoo, and wacky dance moves, and is totally oblivious to anything outside her own little universe, which is the only universe in which "Rockin' Robin" is a reasonable song choice. But she CAN. NOT. SING. Get rid of her.

Alexis on "Dirty Diana" -- This was okay vocally, but I'm putting her in the "train wreck" category because she really did not need to put on a Dirty Diana skank persona for this performance.


If I had my druthers, Mike and Megan would be kicked to the curb tonight. But I predict Anoop and Jorge will go home.

Battle of the reality TV runners-up

	Richard Blais	Blake Lewis
Fauxhawk
Curly-haired nemesis
Cheesy namesake	TrailBlais	Blaker Girls
Nifty gadget	Electric smoker	Electric Kaoss pad
Tired old trick	Banana scallops	Beatboxing
Consolation prize	2009 Corolla	2007 Mustang
Downfall	"This is My Culinary Journey"	"This is My Now"

I don't even know why I watch this show

Because no one on this season of AI was very good. (Except maybe Chikezie, for like a week.)

Archie is completely capable of sounding exactly like Dan Fogelberg but has absolutely no mojo and the thought of him having a "boo" is ridiculous. Plus, they can't exactly put him on the talk show circuit when the only coherent sentence he can form is, "I like that song, because it's pretty."

Meanwhile, Syesha continues to be adorable, yet mediocre -- all "Fever" was missing was a top hat and a cane. I appreciate her performance skills and I'm sure she'll give a fine performance of Rent at the Sarasota Senior Center. She really hammed it up this time knowing it would be the last time America would ever see her on TV.

And then there is David Cook, who has perfected the recipe for a cover album where every song is a slowed down version of its former self and ends with the same glory note. Blake kicks his sorry ass. Nevertheless, I'd so rather see him win than BabyBoo.

Speaking of Blake, this is what happens when you don't store your coax cable properly. I sure wouldn't trust him around my Christmas lights.

Buy the remixes!

What? No Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?

I guess when you are Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, purple corduroys become acceptable.

Props to Syesha for singing something from "Starlight Express" and making it awesome.

Castro and Archuleta should have switched songs. That arrangement of "Think of Me" wasn't bad until Archie started getting all '80's easy listening with it.

David Cook should have done Superstar. (Which Carly rocked, BTW.)

And then there was Brooke, who would have been better off with "I Don't Know How To Love Him." I'm just waiting for her to have a complete meltdown.

Does anyone else think it is weird that none of the contestants seems to have listened to or watched any of the musicals? If you were going to sing in front of Andrew Lloyd Webber, would you not give his oeuvre a cursory listen? Instead, we have:

"I didn't know it was a cat singing!"

"What? Evita dies at the end?"

"Think of Me is sung by a woman? That's OK, I will sing it from the perspective of Chris de Burgh."

Bottom two: Castro and Brooke. Sadly, I bet this will be the last sighting of the dreads.

"She's tiny, but she's...huge!"

Dolly Parton night was full of surprises!

Brooke looked cute!

Michael Johns sounded fantastic singing something not written by Queen!

Kristy Lee managed to suck even though she got to sing a country song!

Archuleta didn't make me want to puke, despite singing a song about Jesus and memories he is not old enough to even have!

Syesha sang "I Will Always Love You!" Oh, wait.


Bottom three: Ramiele, Kristy Lee, Brooke. Bye Ramiele.

I would so buy a Super Charged Kung-Fu Action Grip Lewis action figure

Which, according to this new blog post from MySpace, is gonna beat everyone's ass into playing "How Many Words" at least as much as they play that shitty Linkin Park song.

Under "I know nothing about music but I coulda told ya that:"

The failure of Break Another has many faces. It wasn’t the right song for the first single coming from this record. I knew this, but know one listened.

I liked "How Many Words" much better from the beginning and hope it shows up on the radio.

Also, if anyone hasn't seen Blake make out with the super annoying Mad TV girl (lucky b&#$@), here ya go.

This show goes to eleven

The Beatles. Again. Lame. I really want to hear Ramiele sing "Maxwell's Silver Hammer." Or Archuleta on "Taxman." Maybe Chikezie on "Paperback Writer."

We're down to two Davids and two Cooks now, which is only slightly less confusing. And now, for the recap:

Amanda, squeezed into a vest-shaped sausage casing, did the same shouting off pitch thing she always does. I want to like her, because I like her personality and style, but I just can't listen to her. And note to stylist: if anyone in the world desperately needs bangs, it's Amanda.

Kristy Lee's performance would have been better than last week if she had only not dressed up like Liza Minelli.

Mr. GigglyPuff sounded nice. Not "master class amazing," but nice. Way better than last week, because there was nowhere to go but up from there.

Michael Johns either has a comically large head or a comically tiny hat. He theoretically had an advantage in being old enough to have heard of more than one freakin' Beatles song, but he didn't manage to pull it together. "A Day in the Life" was a good choice for him vocally. However, it's not that performable, which emphasized his awkward stage mannerisms. Oh, and way to bring up the dead friend there.

Brooke's most memorable moment was making her dress out of Scotch tape and a yellow tarp she found in the trash. The sunniness of her dress, and hair, and the background, and her inner personality, was intentionally overwhelming. The performance sucked, and the post-performance "gosh, I'm sorry, I know, I suck, I'll try harder" spiel was even worse.

David Cook doing the Whitesnake verson of "Day Tripper" reminds me of my one rule for going on American Idol: Listen to every freaking cover that you can find! We have the internet now. There is no reason to be stuck with a shitty, boring arrangement. Anyway, Dave's schtick might be getting a little same-y but I like it so I don't care. I bet Blake is jealous he didn't get a vocoder!

Carly and Brooke must share a sewing machine, because Carly had on the top half of the bridesmaid's dress from her sister's wedding, just to prove that she could, in fact, wear it again. She sounded great, but kinda wrecked it with the cheesy explanation of what the lyrics mean to our sad cast of broken little birds.

Castro's schtick is getting a little same-y too, and he's not so good at working the stage, but he's just so damn cute and has enough eyelash material for another set of dreads, so how can we all help but vote for him?

Syesha gets points for being the girl with the best fashion sense of the night. Then she loses points for only vaguely knowing the song "Yesterday." But then she gets some of them back for a solid, if slightly over-the-top, performance.

Now, there's no possible way to top the ass-slapping smackdown Chikezie wowed us with last week, but this was a really, really good performance. Like Randy, I preferred the bluegrass half of the song. Unlike just about everyone, I actually liked the harmonica too.

Ramiele gets the pimp spot, so naturally she must also wear a pimp hat. Clearly Mama Brooke dressed her, because her complete ensemble totally made her look like a trained monkey. Her key was too low, to accommodate the high notes she hit way too hard. Meh.

Bottom three: Kristy Liza, PimpGirl, Crocodile Dundee. Please God goodbye: Kristy.

Best results show EVER

As we all knew it would be. Here's the video.



I find "How Many Words" much more listenable than "Break Anotha'". It allows Blake to get in his daily beatboxing quota but also show off the vocals. I really liked the outfit -- he looked very suave and grown-up. In the immortal words of Randy Jackson, "that was hot." And not half bad with the singing either.

Poor Danny and Asia'h. It's not going to get any better when Kristy Lee and Chikezie come in 11th and 12th place.

Top Eight Girls

If the judges get upset every time someone dares defile a song by the Great Whitney, why do they put Whitney songs on the approved list?

Despite the widespread phenomenon of high-waisted pants, I was impressed with the girls. I kind of liked the coffeehouse version of "Love is a Battlefield" and the country version of "Faithfully." Amanda needs to do something with her skunk hair because she kept awkwardly brushing it out of her mouth while singing.

I'm not sure which girls will be eliminated and I kind of don't care, because the only reason I'm even watching the stupid results show is to see our boy Blake! Previous experience would indicate that the two who picked Kiss of Death songs -- "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" and "Take A Look At Me Now" -- will go, but I like Ramiele a lot, so I'm betting on Asia'h and that other blonde girl who Simon thinks has no personality.

Eight in the Eighties

Simon and I were mostly on the same wavelength tonight.

Luke: Could there be (gasp) an even gayer version of George Michael? Yes. Yes there can. Bonus points for breaking out the tutu photos.

GPB: Liked the piano -- he should have stuck with it. Hated the song and his smarmy save-the-world attitude. And why was he dressed like Justin Long?

Ms. TMTH picked too low of a key but I liked it anyway -- the arrangement was cool and so was the purple hair. (Did you know that Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" was a cover of an earlier song by Gloria Jones? I just learned that last weekend.)

DaveH's most embarrassing moment? When America found out he was a gay male stripper. (Oh, wait, that's coming at ten.) He did a nice job singing a crappy song in ugly shoes, but I couldn't help laughing listening to him go on about the nights of endless pleasure.

I love the idea of MJ as a rugby-playing kangaroo, because that is what his "dancing" reminds me of. Seriously, watch last week, and then watch this week again, and he does the exact same moves! He sounded as though he was straining to push out every note, and the mirror finish on his shiny forehead took some attention away from the crazy hotness, but altogether, not bad.

Dave Cook is my favorite -- who else could fuck with Lionel Richie and make it sound totally awesome. He's exactly the type of scruffy, guitar-playing asshole I slummed it with in college. Now, in my yuppie phase, I shop for carrots at Whole Foods like Simon and Lionel Richie, but sometimes I get a little nostalgic for the old days.

Castro's my second favorite, because it's about time someone did a freakin' Leonard Cohen song on this show! Sure, he's no Jeff Buckley, but I liked how the voice cracking made him sound a little bit vulnerable at the end. He desperately needs a stylist but I think he could win it all.

This was the best I've ever heard Chikezie, so it's a shame he had to pick a song that required awkward lyrical constructions in order to change the singer's gender. Danny probably wouldn't have bothered. I think he's going home.

Last of the losers: Luke (my God, go home already!) and Chikezie.

Top Ten Guys in Brief

Sorry, not in briefs.

MJ: Still hot. But this time, hot like a fresh steaming pile of crap.

Castro: Still adorable, but sounded exactly the same as last week.

Luke: Much more well-suited to being in an a cappella group than on the Idol stage.

Britney: I notice he doesn't actually drag race against other people -- how faux bad-ass. And that's totally a wig. I liked it last week but I was stupid.

DannyGirl: Gawd, tone it down for, like, five seconds, wouldja? Meh.

GayStripperDave: Loved him! Glad he was around for another week.

Yeager: Stop smiling, asshole! Your song is not that happy. And you suck.

Chikezie: Liked his performance, liked that he was a jerk, hated the polo shirt.

David Cook: I am a fellow crossword lover and he is my new favorite. I don't even find the combover all that offensive.

GPB: Has been practicing that song for this moment for the last 16 years. I want to squish him. Like a cockroach.

Yeager and Robbie have gotta go.

For the second week in a row I missed the girls. I'll try to tape it next week!